"Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution."

― L.R. Knost

This quote perfectly encapsulates the work we, as providers, teachers, and caring professionals, do to help families transform. When we support parents in shifting from retribution-focused to solution-focused, their children begin to thrive. Best of all, we help invite peace into the family, because they are no longer trying to parent simply by asserting power.

When parents/caregivers utilize the reward and punishment paradigm, they set their children up to make decisions based on a desire for a reward or the avoidance of punishment instead of making choices based on values and internal motivation. Eliminating punishment helps us focus on what we know works, such as strengthening the parent-child relationship. When children and teens believe they will "get away with" something, they are more likely to make risky or inappropriate choices.

Consequences can be a powerful teaching tool if used appropriately but they are often misunderstood and misapplied. Here's a quick primer on natural and logical consequences. This concept will help parents understand what is, and more importantly, what ISN'T a natural or logical consequence so they can seize opportunities while moving forward with confidence and connection.

Natural Consequences:

Natural consequences are those that require no intervention from a parent. For example, if you don't wear your gloves, your hands get cold. Natural consequences are the most powerful and effective teachers. That said, sometimes the natural consequence is too dangerous and therefore wouldn't be appropriate. For example, if a child doesn't look both ways before crossing the street, the natural consequence is too dangerous to let play out.

Logical Consequences:

These consequences are directly linked to the behavior. For example, if you spill something, you need to clean it up. If you break something, you are expected to pay for it (or earn the money to do so). If you don't do your homework, your teacher may give you a detention.

Consequences, such as losing TV time for being rude or not having dessert after talking back, are NOT natural or logical consequences. It will only serve to frustrate them, and they will find ways to push back against you more. Research shows that punishments don't work. In fact, they make the problem worse, trading short-term gain for long-term pain. Young children simply do not learn this way. Their brains will not make the connection.

Another way to demonstrate this is to examine the distinction between managers and leaders in business. As their processes are different, the results will be as well. Whereas managers use authority and power to achieve goals, leaders capitalize on opportunities, think ahead, and communicate a vision to guide change.

Parents need to take the role as leaders. At almost 45 years old, I assure you I am 100% still a work in progress. We are helping little ones evolve slowly into perfectly imperfect adults. On our best parenting days, we lead with vision and allow challenges to be opportunities for teachable moments.

Try This:

Encourage families to limit consequences to natural and logical ones and avoid consequences or punishments that have nothing to do with the original problem.

Remember:

It's more valuable we teach children to do the right thing than teach them to do it right. If one must think hard for a consequence, then the consequence is not the appropriate response to that situation.