Parenting is full of surprises, challenges, and moments that push us to grow and evolve. One such moment may arise when a child begins to explore or question their gender identity. As our children grow, they embark on journeys of self-discovery that shape how they see themselves. It's a profound experience requiring our unwavering love, support, and understanding.

It's quite common for very young children to play with the idea of gender identity, trying on different roles and expressions as they explore the world around them. However, when we talk about "questioning" in the context of gender, we're referring to individuals who are actively exploring and reflecting on their gender identity and possibly their sexual orientation.

Exploring a child’s gender identity and sexual orientation can be daunting for both you and your child, and it's important to approach the subject with empathy, openness, and a willingness to learn. While there are lots of very compassionate and helpful things to say, we have learned from many children and teens how big of an impact saying the wrong thing can have.

Here are some recommendations:

• “It’s just a phase”: It's crucial to avoid dismissive statements such as, "It's just a phase," or "You're too young to know." These phrases invalidate your child's feelings and hinder open communication. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you're there to support them, no matter what.
• “You’re watching too much TikTok”: That may be true but irrelevant. Avoid dismissing their questioning as being influenced by friends, social media, or a desire to be “trendy.” It is not a trend, nor is it new. Anthropologists have long documented cultures around the world that acknowledge more than two genders. There is tremendous historical evidence of fluid gender expression and gender non-conformity.
• "But you were born a [boy/girl]" or "You're just confused": These are harmful statements. Gender identity is deeply personal and cannot be reduced to biology alone. Instead, focus on affirming your child's feelings and identity, reassuring them that you love and accept them for who they are.
• "I always wanted a [son/daughter]": Avoid imposing your own expectations or biases onto your child's gender exploration. Children already struggle under the heavy weight of parental expectations. Making the situation about you will result in the child feeling feel unseen and unloved.
• "You're making this harder for yourself": Exploring one’s identity in any way allows the individual to step into alignment with their authentic selves. It is the harmful reactions from others that make it harder. Suggesting it is the child’s fault only creates feelings of guilt or shame and shuts down communication. Remember, your child's safety, happiness, and authenticity should always come first.
• “I’m not going to use your pronouns”: When a child's chosen pronouns are disregarded by their parents, it can deeply affect their sense of self-worth and belonging, exacerbating feelings of isolation and distress. It is important parents show unconditional love and support, even if the parent struggles to understand. When a child is at their most vulnerable and open, parents need to be a safe harbor and acknowledge that even though it may take time and they may make mistakes, they will continue to love and support their child.

This isn't solely a compilation of phrases to avoid; it's a guide to grasping the significance of supporting your child's journey, including what’s at stake when you don’t. Transgender and non-binary individuals face significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide when their gender identity is not affirmed and supported by their families. According to the 2022 National Study on LGBTQ+ Youth Mental Health, 45% of LGBTQ+ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.

If you find yourself struggling with acceptance or understanding, it's okay to seek support. Many parents face challenges when their child questions their gender or comes out as transgender or non-binary. It's important to acknowledge your own feelings while prioritizing your child's wellbeing.

LGBTQ+ youth who felt high social support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who felt low or moderate social support. By fostering an environment of love, acceptance, and understanding, parents play a vital role in safeguarding their child's mental wellbeing.