As clinicians, we are asked some version of the following on a regular basis. When we should tell our children:
- The dog died.
- We're moving.
- Grandma is sick.
The simple answer is now. Many parents understandably struggle with sharing difficult news with their children. None of us wants to see our children hurting. We want to protect them from pain. This often means parents come up with very creative ways to delay or avoid sharing difficult news. Somewhere out there, there is a very large "farm" where millions of childhood dogs have gone to live out their final days. Yet trust between a parent and child is a fundamental part of the relationship, upon which ALL other parenting rests. Even well-intentioned white lies can begin to erode trust. Truthful conversations with children also means they don't accidentally find out about grandma's death by overhearing dad talk to Auntie Beth.
By sharing hard news, parents convey confidence and trust that their children can move through difficult times in connection with their loved ones. Honest conversations help children develop communication skills and navigate the inevitable challenges of life. Parents play a vital role in modelling how to share difficult truths. When parents demonstrate how to cope with challenges and perhaps, more importantly, how to make meaning from difficult events, resilience is built.
The following tips will guide parents through difficult discussions:
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Prepare yourself for the discussion and anticipate what questions might be asked. Don't be afraid to say you don't know the answer and acknowledge how hard it is not to know.
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Consider your child's emotional and developmental maturity. Always be honest but in small, developmentally appropriate "chunks" of information. A 5-year-old will need a different level of detail than an 11-year-old.
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Ask your child if they have questions, but don't answer questions that haven't been asked. Give bits of information at a time and elaborate as more information is requested. Let your child know that they can ask you anything.
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Pause often and give your child time to process the information. If they walk away from the discussion or try to distract themselves in some way, allow them to take that time to process.
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Pick a time that gives you flexibility and freedom to continue the discussion if needed and to be present for your child. If possible, avoid conversations before school or right before bed.
Despite the challenges of sharing difficult news, parents have an opportunity to foster a safe space for their children as they learn to cope with life's challenges. Rather than rescuing them from their discomfort (or ours), empathy and honesty empowers children and gives them confidence in their ability to navigate adversity, and that's the truth.
