I've felt it. That knot in my stomach. That slight uncertainty coming from the little voice in my head saying, "Maybe this is too much. Maybe it's not the right time." It's the voice of doubt that creeps in and questions if I'm pushing my child too much, too soon, to face their fears. It's hard to fight the urge to swoop in and rescue them from the discomfort of anxiety. To rescue ourselves from our own discomfort. To take them in our arms and say, "It's okay. I'm here. You don't need to do this right now." How can professionals in a child's life support caregivers in knowing when to push and when to hold their child close and save the challenge for another day?

Here are three things even the most loving caregivers do that accidentally make anxiety bigger along with ways to help them shift to more helpful habits:

1. Enabling escape and avoidance. Once a child reaches a developmental stage where they are capable of tackling challenging tasks or events, it is important to help them do so. This is important because the tendency for caregivers to jump in and rescue children as their anxiety starts to rise allows children to escape anxious feelings, and this escape actually causes anxiety to grow. The brain remembers the immediate relief it felt when it escaped that discomfort. Therefore, the next time the brain is confronted with that fear, it remembers the solution to quick relief: escape. It becomes harder and harder for the brain to resist the escape when it hasn't yet had enough experience of facing the fear, feeling the fear, and getting through it. For example, if a child refuses to participate in a group activity because of anxiety, instead of leaving, caregivers can encourage the child to stay but without the pressure to participate. Escape or avoidance robs a child of the opportunity to see that whatever they feared didn't happen, or if it did, that they have the strength and strategies to get through it.
2. Providing too much reassurance. Parents understandably want to reassure children that everything will be okay. If a comforting hug and encouraging word is what they need to push through the challenge, absolutely do it! However, when too much reassurance is provided, children might start asking their caregivers repeatedly if it will be okay, which can make it harder for the child to access resilience skills to navigate the situation. The anxiety relief comes only from the reassurance, and this can make it harder for kids if their caregiver is not there to provide that solution. We want to empower children with enough information about anxiety and the brain that we can support them in using a variety of tools to help them through uncomfortable feelings.
3. Sticking with logic. Logic can be helpful in reducing anxiety. This is because anxiety is not always logical and can implant many "what ifs" in our mind. For example, if a child is worried about failing a test, it may be helpful for them to ask themselves if they have ever failed a test before or if they have prepared well for this test. A child may acknowledge never having failed, but their response may be, "what if THIS time I do?" There are times when it's appropriate to help children examine the evidence and try to shift their thinking, but many times, we keep trying to use logic when logic is failing. The truth is, experience is a better teacher than logic. I can tell my child repeatedly that camp will be okay or that they can get through the sleepover, but it's only when their brain experiences the success of feeling the discomfort and getting through it that their anxiety eases and their self-confidence soars.

Rather than focusing on avoidance, reassurance, or logic, we should empower children to understand anxiety. We can educate them about how the brain's "alarm system" works and that most of the time, it has to assess danger quickly and without much thought, meaning our brains keep us safe without having to think about it. However, sometimes our brain makes mistakes by detecting danger when there isn't any. Much like when a smoke detector goes off because something burned in the oven, our brains can have "false alarms," too. Teaching children techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and moving their bodies to move out of the fight or flight response are important strategies to get through anxiety. Similarly, we can empower them to break an anxiety-provoking situation into smaller steps to help them face their fears and eventually learn to tolerate feelings of discomfort until they subside. Remember, the only way out is through.